Politics Hurts My Heart
Dear Books,
My pain point is about politics. It's causing so much division in our family and our country. It hurts my heart! My family used to be so close, and now my favorite sibling is so judgmental of anyone who doesn't agree with her, that it's hard to watch. I've always been a person who accepts many perspectives. I'm tired of everything being so divisive. What can I do to stay centered and grounded in the midst of all this pain? I'd love to have a book to help with this.
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Dear Hurt Heart,
THIS. All the this.
Many of us out here can relate to your letter. And you’re not alone in feeling the exhaustion and pain that political divisiveness causes. It’s so pervasive and toxic, and I’m so sorry it’s negatively affecting your family.
I see this staunch judgment of others, as I’m sure you do, coming from both sides of the aisle. Liberals in my little town go after each other’s throats all the time. That’s because what’s going on isn’t really about politics, per se. As my therapist would say, politics is the “presenting problem,” but what’s underneath it—what’s really driving this—is something totally different.
And the most heart-healing help I got for understanding what may be underneath this kind of toxic behavior is from author and psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson.
I first heard Lindsay on the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast. Lindsay’s expertise is on emotionally immature people, and hearing her was like a firework of understanding exploding in my heart.
Lindsay was on episodes 264, 284, and 285 of We Can Do Hard Things (google “Lindsay Gibson, We Can Do Hard Things” and the episodes will pop up), and I’m recommending you listen to those as well as read her book, Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People.
In a nutshell, emotionally immature people are interested in talking AT you, not TO you. They’re not interested in what you think or your emotions, because their objective isn’t real dialogue or authentic communication. Instead, they want to make you see that their worldview is the correct one.
A hallmark of an emotionally immature person is that it doesn’t really matter who they’re talking to—they are going to talk about what matters to them, no matter if it’s to you, Uncle Bob, or someone in the grocery store (a friend and I jokingly call this “no personality required”).
“[Emotionally immature people] have an oversimplified approach to life, narrowing situations down to fit their rigid coping skills,” writes Gibson. “Having such a limited sense of self makes them egocentric and undermines their ability to be sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings.”
What’s tough about emotionally immature people is that they can be amazing in lots of areas of life—they can be well-educated, successful in their careers, fun at a party, etc. But what they can’t do is access nuanced emotions that allow them to say things like, “I don’t know,” or “that makes me uncomfortable, but I’ll think about it.” And those, Hurt Heart, are the hallmarks of a successful political conversation—or really ANY successful conversation—that moves us all forward.
With emotionally immature people, the only solution is better boundaries. In other words, you must do the hard work of protecting yourself from getting sucked into their toxic orbit.
That feels crappy to write, and I wish it were different. I wish there was a way to make them change and pull their heads out of their asses. See the light, dammit! Get fucking therapy! Ahem. For example.
But at the end of the day, the only thing we can really, actually control is ourselves. This means that you are in the driver’s seat for how much time you spend with this family member. You get to decide if you maybe stay in a hotel room next time, or you exit stage left before it’s Wine O’Clock when everyone starts getting fighty, or you leave the room when the political talk starts and you stay in the garage watching TikTok.
Whatever strategy you choose, you can also employ it beyond your family, when other folks start talking at you about politics, or anything else for that matter. And I bet you know the difference, Hurt Heart—I bet you can tell right away when you’re having a genuine conversation with someone who is different than you but who is willing to listen and consider a contrasting viewpoint. Best of all, you sound like you’re willing to be that person, which is pretty amazing.
Your work moving forward is to protect yourself from people who are not that. And I believe Lindsay can help show you how.
Much love,
Lara
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