Feeling Unfulfilled
Dear Books,
My question is about Midlife transitions. To wake up one morning and realize you have everything your younger self dreamed you wanted, but still feel unfulfilled. To recognize the person you married and the job you are doing will not feed your soul for the rest of your life. And the guilt and shame that this brings. Because who could want more?
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Dear Wanting More,
It can feel dangerous to have an appetite in our culture. Hunger is something we’re taught to live with more than feed.
This is why magazine covers and red carpets celebrate small bodies and people who don’t take up much space. It’s why our culture applauds “good behavior” and those who follow the rules.
To me, your letter seems less about a midlife transition more about the fact that, like many of us, you’ve probably been on a diet of cultural norms since you were small, and it has left you starving. You are ravenous, Wanting More, because you’ve swallowed programming that hasn’t filled you.
This is because our true selves, the deepest and most authentic parts of us, don’t often crave the things we were taught to want. This part of us doesn’t care about robust 401Ks or reliable vehicles, the kind of dishes we use or whether the bathroom is clean. It doesn’t have much regard for our title at work or what GPA we got in college.
Who could want more? your letter asks. Oh darling, YOU can. You have permission to want more and to ask for a life buffet that you get to stick your whole face into.
I don’t know exactly what your heart is hungering for—what splinter of desire sticks in your soul, reminding you of something our culture tried to get you to forget—but YOU know. Or, at least, you can know.
This is why I’m recommending Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This book is about the journey of locating yourself after you’ve been adrift in a sea of expectations for a long, long time. It’s about learning to feel into what’s right for you and knowing what you actually want.
In Glennon’s case, this work turned her life inside out, but I don’t think that always has to be the case. Sometimes it simply means the ability to say, “I don’t want to do that,” or “yes, that feels like a fit right now.”
This is a practice, Wanting More. This will probably come to you not like a blinding light but in shades of understanding that gradually get lighter. But it’s beautiful work, and I believe Glennon can show you how to begin.
Much love,
Lara
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