Struggling With Transition
Dear Books,
I am struggling with the life transition from non-parent to parent and all the challenges that raising two little, lovable, spirited boys entails. This is also happening within the context of the Covid pandemic and absent a "village,” i.e. missing a kind/supportive community to help us out, balance the load. I’m trying to find my new identity as a new parent when life is so different now, and I'm unable to do many of the things I used to do because of time and family obligations. Also, I’m finding Americans are quite judgmental of parents, and that society appears somewhat hostile. Our American system isn't designed for two working parents, and the transition and loss of identity has been so challenging.
—————
Dear Transitioning,
There is an epic moment in the show The Newsroom where Jeff Daniels’ character—a brilliant but flawed news anchor—goes on a rant at a conference where he’s speaking. Someone in the audience asks why America is the greatest country in the world, and his answer, in part, includes this:
“[T]here is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending.”
The whole speech is a worthwhile read, and you can find it in its entirety here.
I’m sharing it with you because you’re experiencing firsthand the ways in which the systems in this country are incredibly broken. From healthcare to childcare to the deeply ingrained media messages that we are all each other’s worst enemies—hoo boy, this place can really be a freaking mess.
That you despair in this place as you raise two little boys is so completely understandable. These systems are not designed to help you. These systems don’t often benefit you. And, Transitioning, they are not going to. Not any time soon.
And, oh! How crappy that is. Your letter is full of pain because the realities of your life are so challenging and different than you thought they would be: how you’re participating in systems that don’t help you; how you lost big parts of yourself when you became a parent; how you can’t seem to meet all the obligations that pile up on your doorstep like Amazon packages you didn’t ask for.
Transitioning, this sucks. This is hard stuff.
And yet this is where you are. Here. In this river that you didn’t think would be like this—the current as swift and painful and the water as cold and the rocks as sharp. But this is your river. You’re in it, and it’s time to make peace with that and stop resisting it.
Which is why I’m recommending to you Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser.
This book is a love letter to accepting all the difficult times that come to us and how they can actually help us if we’ll let them. It’s about letting go of what’s not in our control and surrendering to what is. “It’s about trusting the eternal life force that is within us,” Lesser writes, and “letting that force lead the way through all the inevitable changes we will face across the span of our time here on earth.”
Lesser even has a whole chapter on children. “Parenthood is a clumsy yet majestic dance in the flames,” she writes. I don’t have kids, but I feel like that’s a pretty apt description.
There is an unfolding awaiting you, Transitioning, where you get stronger, and wiser, and more in touch with your purpose in all this—where you will find you more solidly and deeply in the chaos. It will come to you through all these difficulties. Elizabeth calls it the Phoenix Process.
Let her show you how to begin.
Much love,
Lara
Need a book recommendation? Get one by going here.