Hanging on by a Thread
Dear Books,
Last year, my partner had a major health crisis that disrupted everything about both our lives and took months to recover from. Then just as physical recovery was coming along, there was a small health setback (since recovered). Now there is a different life challenge causing emotional turmoil. I got myself into therapy, but my partner is almost-but-not-quite ready for that step (has been in therapy in the past, but isn't quite there yet right now). I'm not even sure what I need... support for my partner? Support for me, who is doing a lot of holding everything together? It's been a hell of a year.
Signed,
Hanging on By A Thread
—————
Dear Hanging On,
The memoir that sticks in my heart and longs to be written is called Secondary.
It’s about the massive avalanche of trauma that hit my husband, which started, like your situation, with health issues. He then uncovered memories of childhood sexual abuse, followed quickly by the death of his mom. Then members of his family turned their back on him when he named his abuser, and there were even more people to grieve as he did the agonizing work of cutting toxic family out of his life. Then his business shuttered, and he was out of work.
I’m telling you this because, in this ocean of upheaval, I was never sure what to do with my own pain and grief. I felt like a black hole had opened inside me, but I felt I also had to be there as the main support for my husband and Keep It Together. This same pain radiates out of your letter, too.
When I finally named how exhausted I was, how completely broken I felt by all of this, one therapist looked at me like, well, duh. “It’s secondary trauma,” she said.
Secondary trauma. Have you ever heard of that? It’s also called “compassion fatigue” (another great memoir title). And while it’s mostly associated with first responders and nurses and therapists, that’s only a limited slice of the secondary trauma pie.
I am not a licensed anything, but I would bet dollars to donuts you have secondary trauma. And that’s important to say, out loud, because naming a thing makes it real. This is not in your head, okay? Your partner has been through a lot, and now YOU have a thing, too (fucking hooray).
I’m so glad you’re in therapy because you need someone to support you. Your partner can’t be that support right now, much as they probably want to. And your friends, while well-meaning, can only do so much. You need a professional who is dope at this. So stay in therapy, okay? Ask your therapist about secondary trauma and see if they can give you tools that might help. That’s the number one first thing.
Now, if I had already written my memoir, Secondary, I would recommend it to you here. But I’m still living this story, and I don’t have many solutions yet, just glimpses of light through some very dark clouds.
So instead I’m going to recommend to you The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck.
Because when you’ve spent so much time focused on caring for someone else and dodging the pain-filled bogies of life, you can forget who you are. You can lose your essential self. And Martha is incredible at helping folks find it again.
From this place of being able to say what you really think and feel, this place of actually admitting what you want and need—this place of truth that lives inside you—you will be better able to help those around you.
I can attest to this firsthand, Hanging On. I can tell you this is the way through. I wish it were easier, and I’m sorry it’s not.
I support you, and I know Martha will help you return to the place where you support you, too.
Much love,
Lara
Need a book recommendation? Get one by going here.